Lobster Quadrille
by Ivory Tears
Summary: Waking up with a killer headache is one thing, but waking up with a killer headache surrounded by loonies is another. Did he just say Wonderland? Lady may have have gotten a little more than she bargained for.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:** Hello all! I've always loved the concept of this type of story, but no one has ever written it. Now, I'm trying my hand at it and I just hope it doesn't suck. XD Inspired by Franz Ferdinand's _Lobster Quadrille_.

**Disclaimer-** Ivory Tears doesn't own Devil May Cry nor does she profit from this work of fiction.

I wrote this all in like six hours. I feel awesome! It's around 30 odd pages. I broke it up into chapters, so I hope you guys like it. :) Sorry if the characters are OOC, I was running on little sleep.

/

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_'Will you walk a little faster!' Said a whiting to a snail,_

_'There's a porpoise close behind us, and he's treading on my tail.'_

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Lady groaned, feeling a massive migraine pounding behind her closed eyes. She realized she was laying on the ground as grass prickled against her skin. Peering through her lashes, she could make out the outline of trees surrounding her. Raising up into a sitting position, she forced herself to open her eyes further.

"The hell?" she mumbled.

She lay in the middle of a grove of trees, seeing a meadow peeking out from the gaps in-between each trunk.

"Oh great, another one," a masculine voice spoke, condescension oozing from every word.

"Hey, it's your fault this time," another masculine voice spoke gleefully, "I can't wait to tell the Queen."

"You better keep quiet about this or she'll have both our heads," the first voice grit out.

_Queen? Fuck, Dante better not have dragged me to another one of those bars._ Lady mentally groaned at the memory of the last time Dante wanted her to see a drag show.

"I think she's coming around," the gleeful voice seemed to sound closer, "that makes you her guide now."

An exasperated sigh from the first voice, "I know, Dum."

_Dumb? Definitely must be Vergil and Dante arguing again._ Lady forced herself to stand, feeling more and more weirded out by the surroundings. She went to dust her skirt off and scowled. What the hell did she have on?! She took in the light blue dress clinging to her frame, down to the red raspberry tights leading to her normal combat boots.

She heard someone clear their throat and so brought her gaze to the two male figures in front of her. She cocked her head to the side. Forget what she had on, what in the world did they have on? Both men were wearing tweed suits; Dante wore his signature red with Vergil's being the usual dark blue. _Suits!? Seriously, what is going on?_

"Dante," she hissed, marching over to the one on the left, "where am I?"

"Dante?" the male's brows furrowed, "my name is Dum."

"Dumbass is more like it," she ground out before turning her heated gaze to his silent counterpart, "and Vergil, I thought you were _better_ than this, eh?"

His features remained smooth except for the small tick at the left corner of his mouth, "I am not this Vergil you speak of. I am Dee and this is Dum."

The both bowed at the waist, not taking their eyes off of her.

"Riiight, this isn't weird as hell, either," she huffed crossing her arms.

"What's your name?" Dum smiled broadly.

She rolled her eyes, "You already know my name, _Dante_."

"The name's Dum," he sniffed before turning his attention to his twin, "we should just leave her for the bandersnatch."

_Bandersnatch? Where have I heard that name?_ Lady could feel the memory trying to surface, but to no avail. Irritated, she let it drop turning her attention back to the idiots before her.

"Then it would be our heads," Dee sighed, "I will just run her through the gauntlet. It is a requirement of first timers."

Dum shrugged, "Suit yourself, I've got to run. Meet you at the castle?"

"Of course," Dee gave his brother a weary look, "where else would I meet you?"

Dum shrugged again before bowing to Lady and taking off further into the trees.

"You guys must have drugged my drink," Lady scowled, "I am never going out with you guys again. I would have thought Trish and Lucia would have my back.."

Dee brought his attention back to the woman in front of him, "I have yet to learn your name."

Completely ignoring that statement, she asked, "What gauntlet were you talking about? I am not doing anything that will get me killed. Ridiculous outfit or not."

He stepped closer, crowding her personal space, "You have such extraordinary eyes for an Above-grounder," he raised his hand to touch her face.

She felt her cheeks flush under his scrutinizing gaze as she smacked his hand away, "Back off."

He took a half step backwards, "Shall we, miss?" he offered her his hand.

"Shall we, what?" her eyes narrowed, "I don't even know where the hell I am!"

She noticed his face ticked again while he spoke as if she were a simpleton, "Wonderland, of course."

Lady gave a loud bark of laughter before quelling the urge.

"Wonderland? Yeah, and I'm the Queen of England."

"Then you should feel quite at ease once we reach the castle," he deadpanned.

She pursed her lips, "Listen, this has all got to be some giant hallucination. I drank a lot last night and now I'm trapped in some drunk daydream.

"Still don't know why you guys would be in it," she grumbled under her breath.

"As interesting as I'm sure your life truly is, I must escort you to the first obstacle," he tilted his head to their left, "this way."

With or without her compliance, he made his way in that direction. He could hear her trampling the undergrowth behind him.

"I would be more mindful of your surroundings," he spoke over his shoulder.

"Why? I mean it is my dream, right?"

"As you wish," he faced forward again.

A few minutes passed in complete silence as Lady stomped on the weeds and clumps of grass in her path.

"Wha—," Lady cried out as she felt a vine wrap itself around her legs and trip her.

She landed on her knees with an _oomph_. She quickly flipped over on her butt and tried to pry the green ropes off before they drug her out into the forest... _I'm not getting eaten by no plant!_

As soon as the thought crossed her mind, she could make out a distorted bulb hidden at the base of a tree. It's petals unfurled to reveal sharp pointed barbs covered in blood. Lady redoubled her efforts to get out of the plants grasp.

She felt a charge of energy and the vines erupted into tiny pieces as the rest slithered back to where they came.

"I may not be around to save you, so I would implore you to follow my suggestions," Dee offered a hand to the surprised woman.

She gave him a calculating look before slowly taking his hand. As she stood on her own two feet she dusted herself off.

She held out her hand for Dee to shake, "Well, you're obviously too nice to be Vergil, so for now I'm just going to go with things. You are leading me out of here, right?"

He frowned at her hand before taking it in his own and brushing his lips across her knuckles. A light pink dusted the bridge of her nose, highlighting her scar.

He gave a small smirk, "Correct, madam."

"The name's Lady by the way," she pulled her hand back, clutching it to her chest as she willed the blush to go away.

He gave a noncommittal sound as he turned back around.

"It is a pleasure to make your acquaintance, Lady," his voice floated back to her.

_This is going to be one crazy ass dream._ She sped up her steps until she could walk in sync with this Vergil look alike next to her... _Irony since he's a twin._ Lady bit back a snort and proceeded to follow Dee further into this strange land.

/

**So far, so good. Maybe? Lol**

**Since Dante and Vergil are both starring in this it made more sense for them to be Tweedle Dee and Dum; the only twins in Through the Looking Glass. I'm spinning this to suit my needs so aspects of Alice in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass are interwoven, just overlook it. ;)**

**I'm a huge Alice in Wonderland fan, just FYI. I'll be pulling things from the books and certain movies (like Lady's outfit, hint hint SyFy's Alice—I love Andrew Lee Potts as Hatter! :D).**

**Enjoy it? Then please review! :)**


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note:** Another day another chapter. :) I've got this planned out, so my updates should be rather quick.

**Disclaimer- s**ee chapter one

/

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_See how eagerly the lobsters and the turtles all advance!_

_They are waiting on the shingle—will you come and join the dance?_

_Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, will you join the dance?_

_Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, won't you join the dance?_

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After walking for several hours in what seemed like circles, Lady felt herself growing tired and annoyed with her silent guide.

"Where are we headed? Cause I'm pretty sure that's the same tree," she pointed to an old oak with a gnarled trunk.

"It took you quite some time notice that I have been leading you nowhere," his blasé answer only served to irk her.

She stepped in front of him, putting a hand to his chest to stop him.

"Listen," she ground her teeth, "I'm not here to just walk around and take in the lovely scenery," she poked him in the chest, "take me to the first obstacle and lets get out of here."

He sighed, "This is the first obstacle. Your sense of direction."

"The fuck?" she scowled, "that is the dumbest thing I have ever heard."

"Yes, well you would be quite surprised to know that half of the Above-grounders do not make it any further," he pinched the bridge of his nose, "your race is very..."

"Stupid?" she supplied, stepping away and dropping her arms.

He nodded, "To put it mildly."

"What's next?"

"The Pool of Tears," he scouted the area, blue eyes darting around, "you must discover a way across."

"Seems easy enough," she gave him a speculative look, "is there something the matter?"

"I believe we are being followed."

Lady felt goosebumps erupt over her skin. _Wish I had a gun right about now..._ She felt a heavy weight manifest itself in her hand. Looking down, Lady took in the oddly shaped weapon. It looked as if someone had combined a short sword with a gun. The blade seemed to bleed into the muzzle of a gun leading down to a stock only seen on assault rifles; the material was the same as what mirrors are made from.

"Fascinating. You are the first one to catch on so quickly," Dee stepped closer to Lady, eyes alight with interest.

"What the hell is it?" she murmured, running a hand along the ivy etched into the mirror like surface.

"The vorpal blade, although it seems you have made quite the modification," his lip quirked upwards, "you have passed the second obstacle."

"What? But we haven't made it across the lake or pool or whatever," she took her eyes off of her _(kickass)_ weapon and looked to Dee in confusion.

"Yes, we must fight our way through that," he pointed to a creature pushing its way through the trees, "to get to the Pool. Now you have the means to do so."

Lady's heterochromatic eyes widened. There standing before her looked like a cross between a Hell Pride and a giant insect. It's mandibles oozed a poisonous green liquid that charred the ground as soon as it dripped onto it. Scythe blades were merged with all six of its arms. The creature easily towered over Lady and Dee by four or five feet.

"You must defeat the Gnat if we are to make it to the Pool," Dee supplied, "a quarter of your kind only get this far. Good luck."

Dee stepped back until he could no longer be seen by either Lady or the Gnat.

"You can't just leave me here to fight this all alone!" she yelled after him, her eyes flashing with anger, "I don't even know its weaknesses."

"As I stated before, good luck," his voice mocked from the shadows.

"Prick," she huffed out turning back to the thing in front of her.

Gazing down on the dual weapon in her hand she shook her head, "Lets hope your as awesome as you look."

The gunblade seemed to vibrate in her hands as Lady took a defensive stance, waiting for an opening. The Gnat lumbered closer and used two of its arms to slash at her body. She ducked and rolled underneath them and drove the blade end of her weapon into its right leg. Yellow pus oozed out of the wound as she jerked her gunblade back. She performed a couple more slashes before the creature used its arms to try and grab her.

Lady ran between its legs and spun around. She aimed the muzzle at one of three strange, pulsing orange orbs on the Gnat's back. The kickback almost knocked her down, but Lady watched in awe as an electric burst of energy demolished one of the orange glows.

"I'm really hoping I can keep you," Lady looked at her gun with adoration.

The Gnat roared in anger and pain and backhanded Lady. She let out a pained groan as she picked herself up off the ground. Gritting her teeth, she sucked it up and faced off against the ugly beast.

"Alright, sweetheart, it's time to kiss goodbye," she gave a feral grin to the Gnat.

She dashed past the left side of its body, swung around, and watched as the vorpal blade slashed off two of its arms. Before giving it time to reach her, she twirled around behind a tree and as soon as it turned to grab her, she dove out from her cover and slashed three more scythe arms from its body. It screeched in pain as its puss yellow blood splashed on the ground. Lady kept an eye on its deadly mandibles. She still had one more scythe arm to worry about, but she figured it would attack with its head next.

It swung at her with its only arm as she dodged and ran to face its back. Letting off two more power shots, Lady smirked in satisfaction as the orbs exploded and left smoking craters on the Gnat's back. It flailed its one arm before sinking to its knees. She quickly ran to its face ready to stab it in the eye. A scythe arm lashed out as Lady watched in horror knowing she couldn't block in enough time. Her eyes shut against the soon to be onslaught of pain, but after hearing a clang of metal on metal instead of the sound of getting sliced in half, she slid them back open.

Dee had blocked the attack for her. He held two short bladed kitanas, one in each hand. He had made an 'X' with them in order to prevent the scythe from swinging down.

"It looked like you needed a hand," he spoke, never taking his eyes from the beast in front of them both.

"That's an understatement," she replied, boosting herself up on his shoulders.

She pushed off, thrusting the vorpal blade out and straight into the Gnat's eye. She felt the Gnat jerk its head back with a scream, but she wrapped her legs around its neck and held on. Once she knew she gripped it tightly enough, she wrenched the blade out with an awful sucking noise and plunged it back into the empty socket. She made sure to keep away from the mandibles and stabbed it one more time.

"Suck on this," she pulled the trigger and watched as the back of its head exploded in brain matter and blood.

She felt its hideous body shudder as it fell into a heap on the ground. Lady pulled her gunblade free, slid off its body, and came to stand next to Dee's stoic form.

She brushed the sweaty strands of dark her from her face, "Well, thanks for your help back there."

He stashed away his twin blades, "That is one of four. After that, I am not allowed to assist you in any way."

She frowned, "So you were going to let me kill that thing all by myself _then_ tell me you can help me? What?"

Dee ran his hand through his hair, slicking back any unruly strands, "You did not ask about any stipulations involving you and myself."

"Okay," she crossed her arms over her chest, "how about you tell me about these stipulations?"

"You are allowed four assists from me. I have just used one to save your life," he tilted his head taking Lady in, "I must congratulate you on nearly defeating it yourself."

She waved him off, "I was caught off guard; it won't happen again. Anymore 'stipulations' I need to know about?"

"We will get there in time," he dismissed her question turning to a path that led out of the forest and toward a body of water some distance away.

"We have much ground to cover before I can let you rest," he began walking.

"Rest? I'm ready to finish all this crap and get our of here," she spoke heatedly to his back, "how many more of these obstacles are left?"

"If you make it to the end, six are left," he paused and turned to face her, "there have only been two to complete this quest. Do you have what it takes?"

His pale, blue eyes bored into her own multi-colored ones.

She raised her chin and spoke with complete confidence, "I'm getting out, if it's the last thing I do."

A smirk flitted across his face before it smoothed back out, "That is acceptable."

/

**I hope the fight scene wasn't lame. :P lol I tried, so yeah..**

**Review, please! :)**


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note:** This chapter will be a little longer and I hope you guys like it. :)

**Disclaimer-** see chapter one

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_You can really have no notion how delightful it will be_

_When they take us up and throw us, with the lobsters, out to sea!_

_But the snail replied 'Too far, too far!' and gave a look askance—_

_Said he thanked the whiting kindly but he would not join the dance._

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Lady sat down on the shoreline, gazing out on the Pool of Tears.

"You know when someone says 'pool' it's usually not this big," she looked over to Dee, who stood to her left.

"It is the only water supply in all of Wonderland," he supplied, gazing out over the water, "it is only accessible from here, Briny Beach."

"We must acquire that boat," he pointed further down on the beach, "and row out to that island there," he then pointed to a small black speck on the horizon, "that is obstacle three."

"An island is an obstacle?" she quizzed, standing up and dusting off her ridiculous blue dress.

"It is what is on the island," his mouth ticked.

She grinned, "Do you only do that when your mad or am I just special?"

"It is usually only reserved for my detestable brother," he turned and marched haughtily down the beach.

Lady chuckled as she caught up to him and they fell in step.

"You know you really do remind me of Vergil."

He cut his eyes over to her, "A friend of yours?"

She shrugged, "Kind of. It's complicated."

"And the other one?"

"You mean Dante?" she looked up at him.

"Yes."

"They're twins, also. They get along about like you two it seems," she winked.

"I pity your Vergil then," he turned his gaze to the shoreline.

Lady felt her heartbeat in her throat. _My Vergil?_

"Here it is," he gestured for her to get in, "I'll push us off."

She climbed in as he pushed the boat into the water and quickly landed on the bench opposite Lady.

"There aren't any oars," she frowned, searching around.

"Oars?"

She looked at his puzzled expression, "Yeah, to steer the boat not to mention to propel us anywhere."

He snorted, "I know what they are, but for this boat you only need to know where you want to go and it will take you there."

She made a snooty face, "Oh, well excuse me. That's how it works in the real world."

"How do you know this isn't the real world?" he snarked.

"Because I would not be caught dead in raspberry tights," she huffed out.

A wicked smirk crossed his features causing Lady's breath to hitch. He reached a hand across the small gap between them. W_hy is this boat so small!_ Lady's mind sounded out frantically.

Dee stroked Lady's knee down to her calf.

"I think they are quite becoming," he purred, letting his hand draw lazy circles before dragging it back up to the top of her thigh.

"Quit that," she smacked his hand away and pulled the hem of her dress down further, feeling her cheeks flush.

"Nervous?" he chuckled, pulling away.

She glared at him and opened her mouth to argue when the boat bumped against a dock.

"We must be here," Dee stood and nimbly jumped onto the dock.

He tied the boat down and offered Lady a hand.

"I can help myself, thank you," she pushed his hand aside and pulled herself up out of the boat.

A smirk tugged at his lips as he took a few steps back, "If you say so."

She eyed him suspiciously then decided to take in her surroundings. She could feel the irritation building in her chest. All she cold see were a couple of wind beaten trees so small they could pass for branches. A dingy hut sat in the middle of the island, if it could even be called that. It seemed more like a rock with some dirt and a lean to. She shook her head.

"This is it?"

Dee could hear the skepticism in her voice.

"Yes, you must speak to the woman inside," he nodded to the hut, "I shall wait here."

She eyed Dee then the hut then Dee once more.

She placed her hands on her hips and gave him a level stare, "If I need you—"

"I shall assist you if necessary," he waved his hand to the hut, "better hurry along, it will be dark soon."

She reigned in the urge to punch him in his face and made her way up the pebbled strewn path. As she neared the black hole that was the doorway, Lady felt doubt creep along her spine. Glancing behind her, she could make out Dee's silhouette on the dock. _It didn't seem that far of a walk._ Mentally shrugging, she ducked under the low hanging frame and entered the hut.

It took a few seconds for Lady's eyes to adjust to the gloomy atmosphere. She gave an uneasy once over and could tell no one lived here.

She sighed, "Stupid Dee, telling me that there's a—"

"Hello, dear one."

Lady bit back the shriek that threatened to spill from her lips. Spinning around, she could see an aged woman sitting at a rotten table.

"Sit down, won't you?" the old woman pointed to a rickety chair across from her.

Lady smiled wanly as she gently sat down on the dusty furniture, "Hello, my name's Lady and—"

"You're here for the obstacle," the woman answered, smiling.

Lady internally grimaced at the woman's broken, yellow teeth.

"Uh, yeah, Dee hasn't told me—"

The old crone's eyes squinted, "Dee, eh? Wonder what that fiend is on about?"

Lady's brows furrowed, "Fiend? Listen, I'm new here and I—"

"You're looking to return home," she nodded.

"Yeah, and I would appreciate it if you let me finish my sentences," Lady snapped.

The old woman smiled again, "You will do quite nicely for the challenges. Go and with much speed. Do not listen to the wolf in sheep's clothing nor pay heed to the rotten core of the ivory one. That is my warning and I would heed it wisely, young one."

"Warning? What am I getting into?"

The woman stood from the table and began shuffling away.

"Hey!" Lady called out, standing up, "where are you going? I need—"

The old woman spun around and Lady could see a glint of silver eyes before the crone tossed her shawl over Lady's head.

"What the hell?" Lady fought with the cloth before tearing it off her head.

She gawked openly as she stood at the end of the pebble strewn path facing the hut.

"Are you ready?" Dee spoke from behind her.

Lady slowly spun around, "Did I... I mean... what just happened?!"

"She liked you," Dee shrugged, "what is the warning?"

"Warning? Oh, uh 'do not listen to the wolf in sheep's clothing nor pay heed to the rotten core of the ivory one'. Is that supposed to be code for something?"

Dee's eyes widened a fraction before narrowing on Lady.

"She really took a liking to you to give you such information."

"She also called you a fiend. Mind explaining that one?" Lady tossed the shawl at Dee.

He gave a low chuckle, "I thought she had forgotten about me."

Lady pursed her lips, "Well?"

"It is nothing, just old business," he held out the shawl with a strange expression.

He tossed it back to Lady, "I would keep that close."

Lady shook it out watching as the dirty white color slowly morphed into a pale silver.

"I don't think I'll ever get used to this shit," she muttered, wrapping the shawl around her shoulders.

The two climbed into the boat and made their way to the other shoreline.

/

As the boat bumped the sandy bottom, Dee and Lady climbed out and onto dry land.

"So the next obstacle is up, right?"

Dee shook his head, "We rest. It is better to travel at first light."

Lady slumped down on the beach, propping against a wide piece of driftwood, "Okay."

He quirked an eyebrow at her, "No argument?"

"I'm actually kind of glad we're stopping," she hissed as she pulled off her boots, "these shoes and tights do not go together."

She frowned at the choice of clothing, "Don't really know why I'm wearing any of this at all."

"If you wish, I could assist in undressing you," Dee gave her a crooked grin.

"No thanks, perv," she rolled her eyes.

"Only a suggestion," he sat down in front of her, folding his legs underneath his body.

She sighed, letting her head loll back onto the driftwood, "How long do we have to wait?"

"However long the moon wishes the night to last," Dee glanced upwards, his profile awash in the pale light.

Her eyes slid shut only to snap open when she felt something brush against her arm. Her alarm faded when she realized Dee had moved next to her.

"Get your own spot, boy-o," Lady nudged him with her elbow.

"It will get cold later. It would be prudent to share body heat by sitting together."

"That's what they all say," she yawned, turning her head away from him, "no funny business or you'll be on the wrong end of my weapon, clear?"

"As crystal," he spoke near Lady's ear, making her skin prickle.

She _hmphed_ and tried to will herself to sleep.

/

"_It seems she's been out of it a long time."_

"_Nothing we can do, probably just a hangover."_

"_A hangover? Seriously, Dante? Do you even have a brain?"_

"_Duh."_

"_I would like to argue that point."_

"_Shut up, Vergil. You probably poisoned her at any rate."_

"_Why would I stoop to that level? You and your ideas."_

_Lady felt like she was swimming through sludge. She could hear the others speaking, but the sound was muffled.. like she really was underwater._

_**I'm here**, she called out. **I'm awake... why can't I see anyone?! Help, can anyone hear me?!**_

"_Come on you two. Let's leave her alone for now."_

"_Alright, Trish."_

_Lady could feel Dante and Trish leave, even if she couldn't see them. She felt cool fingertips brush across her forehead and down the bridge of her nose. **Vergil? Vergil, can you hear me?!** _

_The fingertips kept tracing her features. First they outlined her cheek bones before dropping down to glide across her pouty lips. She felt a puff of air ghost across the skin on her neck. **What are you doing?**_

_She felt the softest press of lips against the skin underneath her ear..._

Lady struggled to wake up. She could still feel the phantom touches gliding over her skin. Slowly forcing her mind to awaken, she belatedly realized the phantom touches were actual caresses. She shot to her feet in the blink of an eye.

"What the hell are you doing?" she screeched, heat flushing her cheeks.

"Exploring," Dee gave her a lopsided smile.

"You are such a perv! Ugh, why am I the one always stuck with your type?!" she pointed at him in frustration.

"I'm going to act as if that is a rhetorical question you are posing to me," Dee stood and brushed the sand off of his clothes, "we need to be going."

"You got that right," Lady ran her hands through her hair before rubbing her eyes with the palms of her hands.

She let her arms drop and looked over to Dee to find him smirking at her.

"What is your problem?" she glared.

"No problem," his smirk widened, incisors showing, "if you will just follow me."

"Why me?" Lady whined under her breath as she stepped in behind Dee.

/

After following the shoreline for a couple of miles, Dee veered off onto a brick path.

"Don't tell me we're off to see the wizard?" Lady grinned.

"Wizard? I don't believe we have had one of those in these parts before," Dee intoned without turning around.

"It's called sarcasm," Lady sighed, "you know what, nevermind."

"Yoo-hoo! Hello!" a feminine voice called from a small storefront directly in front of the two travelers.

Dee paused and let Lady catch up to him.

"Let me guess obstacle four?" Lady gazed up to Dee, who happened to be glaring at the storefront window.

"Yes, you must proceed ahead. You still hold three assists, do not be afraid to call on them," he looked over at the petite raven haired woman as she stepped forward.

Dee grabbed Lady's arm and spun her around to face him.

He dipped his head low to whisper in her ear, "Heed the White Queen's warning."

Lady nodded and spun back around, heart thudding in her chest. _White Queen? That old hag was the White Queen? And what's up with weirdo back there?_ She looked over her shoulder to see Dee staring a hole through the window. _Okaay.. definitely be on my guard for this one._

As Lady went to knock, the door swung inwards and a woman with long blonde hair stood before her.

"Trish?" Lady's mouth dropped open.

"Who?" the blue eyed woman cocked her head, "I'm sorry but my name is Miss Wule."

Lady gave her an apologetic smile, "I'm sorry, you just look like a friend of mine."

"Oh," the woman smiled, perfect white teeth gleaming, "well, please come in! We have so much to discuss."

Lady gave one last glance to Dee before the blond haired woman pulled her into the store. Miss Wule bustled around the shop, setting out a tray of tea and scones.

"Please, sit down," she gestured to the two armchairs next to the fireplace.

Lady walked further into the room, feeling a sense of unease tickle the back of her neck.

"So, Miss Wule," Lady began, taking the teacup from her hostess and sitting down, "you said we have things to discuss?"

"Oh, yes," she smiled, turning to the fire to add another log.

Lady held the teacup up to her lips as Miss Wule turned back around to face her. Lady dropped the porcelain dinnerware as she noticed Miss Wule's eyes were a ruby red.

"Why, are you okay?" Miss Wule dipped down to pick up the broken pieces of the cup.

Lady stood up suddenly but felt strange once she saw Miss Wule's blue eyes look at her in concern. _Could it have been a trick of the light? No_... Lady shook her head, hearing Dee's voice echo back to her. _Heed the White Queen's warning._ Lady watched as the blonde woman took away the tea tray.

"I'll just be right back," she smiled before disappearing into the back of her shop.

Lady frowned. _Do not listen to the wolf in sheep's clothing.._ Her eyes widened in realization. Miss Wule.. Miss Wool.. Wool = sheep.

_Dammit! I have got to get out of here!_ Lady made for the door, but felt a hand as strong as steel wrap around her forearm.

"Where are you going?" Miss Wule growled out.

Lady pulled out the vorpal gunblade and turned to face the she-wolf. She almost faltered when she took in Miss Wule's features. The blonde hair had morphed into a mane that framed the deformed face. Her eyes had changed to the ruby red color from earlier, but her bone structure had remained the same except her jaw had unhinged showing two rows of razor sharp teeth.

"We were just getting to know each other, lovely," the wolf woman snarled and slung Lady against the shelves.

Lady felt the gunblade slip from her grasp as the creature lunged at her. Lady threw her hands up and grabbed Miss Wule by the shoulders, preventing her head from latching onto Lady's neck and severing her jugular vein.

"Oh, don't you worry your pretty little head," Miss Wule laughed gruffly, "I don't want to scratch you up too bad. You see, I like to select only the nicest looking victims."

Lady twisted underneath the snarling mouth. She saw the vorpal blade and tried to wriggle her way closer. The wolf woman went to grab Lady's shoulder, but the silver shawl began to burn her skin. Howling, she jerked her hand back only to wrap them around Lady's neck.

"Clever girl arent' you? But you won't get away. You see, I choose only the pretty ones, so I can wear their skin," Miss Wule continued, "you are going to be my nicest suit yet."

"Fuck you!" Lady grit out, bringing her legs underneath the she-beast and kicked her off of her.

Lady scrambled over the broken shelves and grabbed her gunblade. She aimed in the direction of where she had kicked Miss Wule. She had her back to Lady.

"I-I'm sorry, miss," she sniffled, "It wasn't me, I swear!"

She turned her tear stained face to Lady, who paused her finger on the trigger. Trish's beautiful features were twisted with remorse as tears pooled in those blue eyes.

"I wasn't even under my own control," she slowly stood, holding her hand out to Lady, "please forgive me."

Lady started to lower her weapon when she saw the dark smile cross across Miss Wule's face. She tossed the silver cloth over the quickly mutating woman before shooting her between the eyes. She watched as the blonde woman fell with a sickening thud onto the floor. Lady walked over to her, nudging her body with the toe of her boot. Stepping over the corpse, Lady opened the door and made her way back to Dee and the path.

"It seems you held yourself well," he spoke, giving her a small grin.

"Is everyone here crazy?" she grumbled.

"I guess it relies on your interpretation of crazy," he began to follow the brick road once more, "come, you only have three obstacles left."

She stuck her tongue out at his retreating back. _Wonder what's next? I sincerely hope it's not going to try and kill me... fat chance that will happen._ She shook her head. _This is one messed up place._

/

**Sorry if obstacle four was a little lackluster; it looks pretty awesome in my head. Lol**

**Please review! :)**


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's** Note: I wish to thank my guest reviewers. I hope this isn't that confusing as I reply. Lol

Guest Review 1 for Chapter 1: I'm glad you're hooked (my devious plan worked all along ;D). Don't worry though, this story is finished. I just have to remember to update it. lol

Guest Review 2 for Chapter 1: I hoped you enjoyed the back to back updates. :)

Guest Review 1 for Chapter 2: I can't turn down such an adamant request for more, especially if there's a cherry on top. XD I'm really glad you're enjoying this so much. I hope these last two chapters are to your liking. :)

**Disclaimer- **see chapter one

/

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_Would not, could not, would not, could not, would not join the dance._

_Would not, could not, would not, could not, could not join the dance._

_'What matters it how far we go?' his scaly friend replied,_

_There is another shore, you know, upon the other side._

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"How much further do we have?" Lady asked Dee as they paused next to a stonewall.

"We're here," he looked around and nodded before turning his electric blue gaze to her own, "I will be within hearing distance."

He strode back the way they had come until Lady could no longer make out the dark blue of his tweed suit.

She huffed and wrapped her arms around herself, "Thanks for the heads up."

"Did someone say head?" an oily voice slithered across the wall.

Lady whirled around, eyes taking in the misshapen form sitting on the wall. At first she thought it was a small child, but upon closer inspection it looked like someone had taken a ball of white play-dough and grafted it onto a midget.

"Uh," she cleared her throat, "hello, I'm the one who spoke."

It smiled at her, it's mouth swallowing most of its face leaving two slits where its eyes would be. The teeth looked jagged and broken.

"That's nice," it whispered, tongue darting out tasting the air much like a snake would.

"Is it only you?"

"Um.. yeah," she gave a nervous laugh, "see anybody else?"

_I'm guessing it's a dude? Hard to tell, but that's the vibe I'm getting._

His greedy, yellow eyes darted around, "No," he smiled again, "it is just the two of us."

"My name's Lady. What's yours?"

"It asks us a name does it," his tongue darted out again, "we go by HD."

_High definition?_ She bit back a smile and cleared her throat.

"Okay, HD. Well, I'm here to—"

He quickly scrambled across the wall before crouching low in front of her, "It has such a nice smile, it does."

HD's broken smile spread across his face, "Yes, such lovely teeth. So white... so pretty."

Lady took a step back, goosebumps breaking out on her skin.

"You know, I just remembered, I've got someone I've got to meet."

His yellow slitted eyes glittered with need, "It thinks Dee will save her," he gave a nasty, black laugh, "oh, it doesn't know anything. Poor little Above-grounder with its shiny, white teeth."

"Listen fucktard, I've had about enough of all this weird ass bullshit," Lady could feel her temper rising, "I'm going to give you to the count of three to back off or I'm going to put a bullet it its shiny, white head," she mocked.

"Such a mouth with its pretty teeth," he hummed, "we'll just have to take it by force."

Before Lady could summon her weapon, the gangly creature leaped at her wrapping its scaly hands around her throat.

"Open wide, pretty one," HD hissed, his tongue quickly darting through the air.

She tried to spit at his face, but only succeeded in giving HD an opening to wrench her jaw open.

"Oh such nice white teeth its got. We'll grind'em up nice and eat it all up," he grinned nastily down at her reddening face, "how else do we stay so white, hmm?"

HD's mad cackle was cut short when Lady clamped down on his rubbery fingers. He screamed and slapped her making her let go of his hand. He clutched his bleeding hand to his chest as Lady scrambled backwards.

"Dee!" she coughed out, "Dee!"

When nothing happened, HD smiled widely, "Knew it, didn't we? It thinks it will get any help," he chuckled, the sound reminding Lady of dead leaves rustling.

The creature went to lunge at Lady before splitting in half, his torso sliding off its hips to land in the dirt next to Lady's legs. She gagged in her throat as the smell of rotten eggs permeated the air. She scooted further back, putting as much distance as possible between herself and HD's hands scrambling at the dirt as the light died in his eyes.

Dee squatted down on his haunches in front of her, his brow furrowed in concern.

"Do you need any assistance in standing up?"

She drug her eyes away from the melting body of HD to the strange guide in front of her.

"It doesn't count as one of my assists, does it?"

He gave a small grin, "No, it doesn't."

"Good," she grabbed his hand and he hoisted her up.

"You only have two now, by the way," he gazed at her, eyes serious, "and you still have two more obstacles to overcome."

"As long as they're nothing like the last two," she rubbed her arms, chasing away a shiver, "really don't want my body harvested."

She gazed at the blackened spot of where HD's body used to lay.

"Nor pay heed to the rotten core of the ivory one.." she turned to look at Dee, "do you think she meant him?"

He nodded, "Humpty Dumpty has been widely known to be a teeth collector. It is rumor that those who grind them down to powder to bleach the skin slowly rot from the inside out. So it turn they must collect more teeth which leads to more rotting."

Lady bit her lip, "That is pretty gross. We can move on to obstacle five now, right?"

"Yes, we have no need to linger here," he pointed to the path that continued on the opposite side of the stonewall, "it leads through the forest, and then we will be at the castle."

"I'm so glad this is almost over with," she hopped over the wall, making sure her dress stayed in place as she shot Dee a sideways glance.

"There is not much left to overcome," he sprang over the wall and fell in step beside Lady, "you have done exceedingly well. The best I have ever had to guide."

"You've had to save my ass twice now," she laughed, "I wouldn't say I'm the best."

When they reached the forest line, Dee stepped back to let Lady lead.

"Just remember, if you need me all you have to do is say my name," he murmured in her ear, his breath tickling her neck.

Lady spun around only to see empty air, "Great, now I'm going to get eaten by a giant spider hidden out in the forest."

_Why would I say that? Now I'm really freaked that there's a damn spider waiting to pounce from the trees and devour me whole! Way to go, Lady!_

Lady shook her head and straightened her spine. _I got this in the bag... if I had a bag that is._ She proceeded on into the forest.

/

Loud shouts of people lured her further onto the path. She could see that the trees began to thin out, leading to a small village in the middle of a man made clearing.

"Kill it!"

"Burn it alive, we can always eat it later!"

"Wonder what unicorn tastes like?"

"Gotta be like horse!"

A chorus of laughter broke out as Lady tiptoed closer. _A real unicorn!_ She felt her pulse quicken as she saw how the villagers had hobbled it near a spit. A man walked over to the spit and threw a match on the wood. Lady watched as it caught fire, startling the white horned creature. It tried to break out of its entrapment, but it couldn't move a muscle.

_This has got to be the next obstacle._ Lady glared at the random villagers who kept hitting the unicorn with blocks of wood or punching the poor thing in the ribs and face. She could feel the energy of the vorpal blade as it appeared in her hands.

"It's time to kick ass and take names," she whispered to the gunblade, feeling a hum vibrate in the air.

Lady aimed carefully and shot a bolt of energy at the shackles hobbling the horse like creature. It reared up on its hind legs kicking any villager that neared it. The unicorn leaped over a cart at the edge of the village and dashed away into the forest. Lady smiled as she watched the villagers brawl with each other for the unicorn's escape.

"I must say, that was quite honorable," a deep voice growled out behind her.

Lady slowly turned around came face to face with a lion.

"Excuse me?"

The lion gave a warm laugh, "He's always getting himself caught. I usually rush in and scare a villager into freeing him, but it has made for a nice change of pace for you to rescue him."

"Oh," Lady smiled, taking an instant liking to this noble beast, "I just didn't like the way they were treating him."

"Yes," the lion became somber, "it is not like the old days. We used to have cake and rejoice in each others company."

"I'm sorry," Lady hesitantly held a hand out to him; seeing no rejection, she ran a hand through his mane.

A loud rumbling purr filled the air causing a smile to appear on Lady's face.

"Would you like to walk with me? I have to get to the castle and it wouldn't hurt to have company," she smiled at the lion.

"That would be splendid!" he grinned, showing off his teeth.

As they skirted around the outside of the village, Lady felt the safest since she had woken up in this crazy place.

"You are an Above-grounder, correct?"

Lady turned to the lion walking next to her, "Yes, I have to overcome the gauntlet and make it to the castle."

The lion nodded, "We used to have a lot of your kind test their skills here. Sadly, not many passed and eventually people stopped coming. Who is your guide?"

"Dee," she looked at the path in front of her, hoping she didn't accidentally use an assist.

"That's strange," the lion mumbled.

"How so?"

"It is usually Dum that handles any newcomers. Dee has been known to lead them to a quick and easy death. Less hassle for when he reaches the end."

Lady stopped and turned to the giant feline next to her with a frown, "What do you mean by that?"

The lion gave her a contemplative look, "Once you two reach the castle, he has the option of keeping you here."

"That's bullshit," she spat out, "so he's been doing this all for his own gain. Why am I not surprised?"

_Just how Vergil would be... _Lady shook her head. _He's changed now, Lady._

"Is there a way around it?" she looked to the lion hopefully.

"Yes," he glanced around before dropping his voice to a whisper, "you must save one of your lifelines."

"Lifelines? You mean one of my assists?"

"Ah, this new fangled age where everything must be renamed," he shook his shaggy mane, "but yes, you must save one of those. Then you have a chance."

"Thank you," she smiled kindly, "you're the nicest person—err, well beast I've met in this place."

The lion chuckled, "I'm too old for the games these others play. Well this is as far as I can travel with you," he nodded to the fence splitting the path in half.

"I am not allowed past those posts," he gave her a nod, "I wish you all the best on your journey, Above-grounder."

She gave him a soft smile, "Call me Lady."

"Ah, that you are," he gave another warm chuckle, "I shall tell the unicorn of your brave deed, Lady."

"Thanks, but you don't have to," she smiled before gazing back to the fence, "what's your name?"

She turned back to face the lion, but her eyes alighted upon nothing. Spinning around in every direction, Lady cast her gaze about but didn't see the amber coated feline anywhere. She felt a pang of sadness before pressing it down and climbing over the fence.

"Thank you," she called out to the empty forest, hoping the lion hadn't made it too far to not hear her.

She sighed as she made her way further down the path.

/

**Review please! :)**


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's Notes:** Last chapter folks! I hope you all enjoyed this. I had a blast writing it. ;D

**Disclaimer- **see chapter one

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_The further off from England the nearer is to France;_

_Then turn not pale, beloved snail, but come and join the dance._

_Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, will you join the dance?_

_Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, won't you join the dance?_

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Lady heard the thundering of hoof beats in the distance. _Could it be that unicorn I saved?_ She quickened her pace and came to another clearing. This time, however, there were two men dressed in armor facing off against each other. The one on her right wore pure silver while the one on her left wore black.

On an unspoken signal, the two riders charged each other. Lady watched in horror as the silver rider thrust his jousting stick straight through the chest of the other rider. She ran down into the clearing, prepared to help the man up. He quickly rose to his feet and pulled the bloody stick from his chest. Lady took a few steps back as the black knight climbed back atop his horse. He flipped the visor up.

"Hey, it's you!"

"Dum?" Lady looked at his grinning face before facing the silver knight who had also flipped up his visor.

"Dee?"

Dum slid back off his horse, taking his helmet off and tossing it on the ground, "Yep. You're to get past us in order to make it to the castle."

Lady looked to Dee, eyes narrowing in anger, "Obstacle six?"

He looked away without answering.

Dum glanced between the two before speaking, "Yeah, we have to fight each other, which he won in this case," Dum pouted, "then you have to face off against the winner."

"How do I win?" she turned back to Dum.

"That's the catch," he winked, "if it's any consolation, I hope you win."

Lady climbed onto Dum's horse and cantered to the opposite side of the clearing.

"On the count of three you guys go, okay?" Dum called out.

Dee tossed his helmet on the ground next to Dum's as he took up his position.

"One... two... two and a half.. two and three quarters.."

"Let's just get this over with!" shouted Lady.

"Three!"

Both horses took off at a quick gallop. Lady had chosen to ride sidesaddle, not only for modesty's sake, but for tactical reasons as well. Once she could close the distance between herself and Dee, she jumped off her horse, grabbing the reins of Dee's and roundhouse kicking him out of the saddle. She brought the horse to a stop and dropped down to the ground next to Dee. Lady kneeled, placing both knees in the center of his chest. She pulled out her gunblade and placed it against his neck.

"Yield," she spoke, deathly calm in the quiet glade.

He gazed at her, his cold blue eyes peering into her heterochromia ones.

_Here I am expecting a little bit too much from the wounded_, her mind hissed in anger.

"Yield," she spat, anger darkening her eyes.

His lips quirked into a grin, "I yield."

Standing up, she spun around and marched to the end of the clearing.

"The castle is just ahead, correct?" she looked over her shoulder.

Dum nodded as he helped Dee to his feet.

"Yep, all you got to do is step through the tree line and you're there," he smiled at her, "congrats on beating Dee."

She gave him a fleeting smile, "Thanks."

Lady locked eyes with Dee, "See you on the other side."

"Always," he smirked, bowing low without breaking eye contact.

She turned back and stepped out of the forest.

/

"All hail the Queen!" a crowd of people roared from all sides.

Lady squinted in the harsh sunlight. Once she could see, she realized she had stepped out into a courtyard filled with people.

A red headed woman with green eyes parted the crowd as she neared Lady.

"Lucia?"

The woman frowned, but not unkindly, "I am the Red Queen."

Lady took in the extravagant ruby red dress and the golden crown winking in the light from its place on her head.

"I see," Lady clasped her hands together, "well I'm here, so can I go home now?"

The Red Queen smiled, "Of course, right this way."

She turned and led Lady through the mass of people and into the actual castle.

"You must excuse the noise," she turned to Lady once they entered, "there has not been one of your kind to reach this far since Dee and Dum."

"What?" Lady stopped following the Lucia look-alike.

The Red Queen turned around, "You don't know the story?"

"No," Lady shook her head.

"It is a sad one to tell," the queen sighed, "Dee and Dum came here quite some time ago. So long ago in fact, that no one even realizes they were originally Above-grounders. They pass themselves off as Wonderlanders, but a few know the truth."

"Like who?" Lady quizzed.

"The White Queen, myself, and the kings," her brows drew together in concentration, "I believe that is all. Maybe a few here and there but—"

"Why are they still here?" Lady interrupted.

"Ah, that is what makes it a sad tale," she stepped closer to Lady, "they were given a guide to lead them to the castle. They used all of their lifelines before reaching here and when it came time for the guide to be given the choice of letting them go or keeping them here, they chose to keep them here."

"Who guided them?" Lady felt like she knew the answer already.

"I did of course, as well as the White Queen," she smiled dryly, "we grew weary of leading your kind through this enchanted land, only to be met with disbelief, mockery, and scorn."

"We decided to keep them as our guides," she shrugged as she turned and began to lead Lady down a tapestry line corridor.

"I imagine you will be the replacement, but don't worry," the Red Queen smiled as she pushed open the door that led to the throne room, "there is always room for one more."

Lady shot her a glare as she walked past her into the throne room. The Red Queen let the door slam with an ominous clang and made her way to the dais where the Red King sat alongside the White Queen and King. Dee and Dum already stood off to the side, both looking at her as soon as she entered the room.

"You two," the Red Queen pointed to Lady, "stand next to her."

They moved next to the raven haired woman who took to glaring at everyone she laid eyes on.

"Congratulations! You have overcome the gauntlet and as such have won your right to argue with your guide. You may argue your case for or against going home; it is your choice. You have five minutes," the Red King's booming voice echoed off the walls.

Lady glared over at Dee, "You are _going_ to send me home."

He only smirked, "Says who?"

"Me," she moved in front of him, trying to summon the vorpal blade.

She frowned to herself when she didn't feel the familiar weight resting in her hand.

"Won't work here, princess," Dee clucked his tongue, his smirk morphing into a grin.

"Fuck," she ground out, "look, I've put up with your pervy and snooty attitude. I think you owe it to me to let me go home."

"Make me," his eyes glinted.

Lady almost smacked him until her eyes took in the tick at the corner of his mouth. She frowned trying to think why he would be irritated at her.

_You only have two now, by the way... Just remember, if you need me all you have to do is say my name._

Lady grinned up at the strangely dressed man in front of her, "Dee, I'm calling in an assist."

The four seated on the upper dais of thrones let out a collective gasp.

"You said she had used them all!" the White Queen shrieked at Dee's smug expression.

"Guards! Seize them!" the White King called out.

"Dee, I'm asking for your assistance to get not only me out, but you and Dum, too. Can you do that?" her eyes searched his.

"Of course, Lady," he grinned devilishly as his eyes darkened to black pools.

She could feel a charge in the air much like how the vorpal blade felt as it dispelled its energy bolts. She watched as he morphed into some demonic offshoot of how Vergil and Dante looked when they triggered. Lady watched as he summoned a bolt of lightening that made the room spin dizzily.

"Lady!" a voice rang out as her eyes rolled back into her head and she passed out.

"Lady!" she could feel her shoulders shake.

"Leave her alone, you idiot," another voice spoke.

"Shit, Verg! You scared me. How about you don't sneak up like some kinda ninja? Sound good?"

"I still stand by my prior statement; you're an idiot."

Lady's eyelids fluttered open to the bright light spilling out from the half opened blinds in the room.

"I'm home," she rose up, a bright grin spreading across her face, "I'm home!"

She pulled Dante and Vergil both into a group hug, "I actually missed you guys!"

She let them go and met their confused looks with a smile, "How long was I missing?"

"Missing?" Dante glanced at Vergil then back to Lady, "you've been passed out on Vergil's bed for like two days, Lady."

"What?"

"You totally can't handle your liquor," Dante grinned, "now add that to crazy ass dreams and I think you'll understand what happened."

She narrowed her eyes at the red clad devil hunter, "If I didn't have a killer headache, I would so kick your ass right now."

Dante stood up from the bed chuckling, "I'm going to let Trish and Lucia know you're better. You had them worried."

Vergil rolled his eyes, "He was in here almost more than anyone."

She turned her gaze from the doorway to the halfbreed perched on the edge of the bed next to her, "Who was in here the most?"

"Myself, obviously. It is my room after all."

She nodded, propping herself up on the headboard, "Two days, huh?"

"Yes, Trish was beginning to think Dante and I had given you alcohol poisoning," his mouth curled in distaste.

"Thanks for letting me crash here," she rubbed the sleep out of her eyes, "man, that was one messed up dream. Remind me to never drink that much again."

"It's a promise," he smirked, "next time try not to drink Dante under the table."

She grinned, "Trust me, that will not ever happen again."

Lady felt herself drifting back off to sleep when a snippet of conversation snapped her wide awake.

"...ersnatch..?"

"What the hell did you just say?" she growled out to Dante who had asked the question.

"I said 'do you want a sandwich?'" he shook his head, "women."

Lady gazed wildly around the room, "I definitely need to stop drinking."

She flopped back down onto Vergil's bed. _Hope he doesn't mind, but I'm so calling dibs on this bed tonight._

Vergil re-entered the room to pick up something off of his dresser.

As he turned to leave, Lady called his attention.

"Vergil, look this may sound weird, but at one point in my dream I think I became lucid and well..." she blushed, "I could feel someone touching my face. I couldn't open my eyes so I have no idea who it was... I could hear you guys talking though so..."

Vergil cleared his throat and looked at a point above her head, "I shall ask the others."

Lady smiled broadly, inwardly holding a laugh, "Thanks, Vergil."

As he slipped from the room and shut the door, Lady hummed under her breath.

"Busted."

She fell asleep with a grin on her face.

/

**Finished it, you guys! :) It's less romantic than most of my Lady x Vergil fics, but in this case I didn't want Lady to develop an attachment to an 'idea' of Vergil in the form of Dee. If that makes sense? It does in my head. lol**

**Please review! :D**


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